Usually I could give a hang about the Holidays. This attitude is due to so many years in the military, where every day was just another work day. Traditional family celebrations were always delayed or shifted around because somebody had to be out there in the keeping the Communists and South American Drug Lords away from the nuclear missiles and it was usually me. You are welcome. Plus, the whole religious aspect of this part of the calendar is an annoying, laughable sham promoted only to enslave the stupid and gullible in order to sell off all the crap that fills the shelves of the local Woolworth.
Yet this season is different. For the first time after several years I’ve finally paid off enough debt from my Stupidlandia debacle so I have some extra cash to throw around at the family. Thus began Operation: Awesome Christmas.
I can’t post what I’m getting everybody here on the off-chance the family will read it here. They have never as far as I could tell ever visited the site but there is always a first time and I don’t want to spoil the surprises. Some of the gifts will be expensive, some not. What I plan is to carefully evaluate each member of the gang and find a present that will blow them away with awesomeness. There is nothing they could give me that would not look like manure in comparison, and not the good manure, either. More like that cheap off-brand manure you get at Super Discount Sav-A-Lot that is manufactured out of feces from animals other than cows, sand from foreclosed schoolyard playgrounds and expired Fig Newtons.
My intention is to completely crush the other members of the family with their gifts. I imagine Christmas morning will go something like this:
“Here, honey! Open your present.”
“Oh. Thanks. A $10 gift card to Blockbuster. This will come in handy if I ever go back in time to when a store was open. Here, now open yours.”
“OH. MY. GOD. SHRIIIIEEEEK!”
“Yep. That was the best [redacted] on the market. Brand new, upgraded, one of a kind and certified antique [redacted] I could find. I had to bribe the store owner to sell it to me, threaten a puppy and kneecap the guy in front of me in the line so I could get the last [redacted].”
“Excellent. I totally win at Christmas.”
Yeah, I’m going to rule Christmas morning this year. I’ll post the results after the Holiday.