Me am getting head injury!

While some people would argue that Hal Jordan is actually a caricature in himself, here is the mostly-forgotten Bizzaro-World Green Lantern, the self-named Yellow Lantern.

The Yellow Lantern first (and I think last) appeared in DC Comics Presents #71 (July 1984). He is a typical example of the comedic inversion of the DCU heroes. Instead of being fearless and a cosmic force to be reckoned with like his counterpart Hal Jordan, the Bizzaro-creature is devoid of any power of any kind and is a cringing, useless coward. Despite the contrary nature of the unliving doppleganger some things appear to be universal in regards to Hal Jordan.

Getting hit in the head.

…and a sterile head bandage to Scipio for starting the Hal’s Head stuff.

National Gorilla Suit Day and global annihilation

You can’t celebrate National Gorilla Suit Day without mentioning the embodiment of the Best and Worst example of the man in a gorilla suit that was ever captured on celluloid. No, not Bigfoot (though that guy comes in on a close second). In hushed, reverent tones I speak of…

Robot Monster

Now that’s a gorilla suit for the ages!

Fred Hembeck’s worst day ever

It’s Fred Hembeck’s birthday!

A birthday is one of those milestones that make you start thinking about years past. Opportunities seized, your challenges met, celebrations and successes.

I wonder if Fred ever looks back and recalls the disappointments? I know I do. Every. Minute. Of. Every. Day. So…I’m going to share the sadness and remind Fred Hembeck of that period in 1979 when his career very nearly came to an end at the uncaring hands of insanely jealous fellow “professionals”.

What do I mean? I am referring to that dark day when his art was destroyed by the color correction from hell.

I don’t have the backstory on what happened here but back in the 70’s it was not unheard of to have the printers take it upon themselves to “fix” what they thought were incorrect color directions for a comic. I mean, it isn’t like DC has no idea what they are doing, right? If the destruction of Fred’s art was at the hands of a colorist, then he was an idiot or an outright mean person to screw up on a popular character. I can empathize with what must have been Fred’s soul-annihilating disappointment when he received his comp copy from DC and discovered his hard work was mutilated!

To me, this Hembeck strip as it appeared in the October 1979 issue of Superman #340 made no sense. Everyone knew that Hal Jordan’s weaknesses were the color yellow, cheap bimbos and soap, so what the heck was going on here? Defeated by a foe bearing wood? What is up with that stupid costume? Then I realized after an hour or so that Hembeck was guilty not of sloppy work, but the crime of trust in his fellow man. The fool.

Being the perceptive sort of fanboy I eventually puzzled out what had happened…And calmed down. This wasn’t the Hal Jordan Green Lantern put into the wrong costume by a drunken artist! No. It was the Golden Age Green Lantern known as Alan Scott! Unfortunately the damage was done and Fred Hembeck’s hilarious strip was ruined for eternity.

But what of the average reader? Hopelessly mired in established continuity the typical fanboy must have gone ballistic. I imagine that they rushed from their basement for a visit to Dad’s work to use a IBM Selectric 2 to send off tens of letters of flaming righteous contempt to DC about the inaccurate Hembeck strip.

Undoubtedly, sales for all DC titles must have plummeted causing some kind of…I don’t know, company-wide implosion or something.

So in the interest of accurate comic book history I’m going to do something I once swore I would never approve of….A retcon!

Here is the color-corrected version of the Hembeck strip. Now it makes sense, doesn’t it? It’s still funny! I don’t know about Mr. Hembeck, but it feels as if a stone has been on my chest for the last 26 years and it has finally been removed.

This is my gift to you and the world.
Happy Birthday, Fred!

I hope the guy that screwed over Fred burns for eternity.

Caption The Meme Contest

Out of crushing boredom I thought I’d make up a contest based on the Always Remember meme unintentionally started by Dorian at postmodernbarney. The best original submitted caption(s) for the unfinished comic memes I started below will get featured here. As a bonus the winning entry just might get my review copy of Wrath of the Phantom Army. Maybe. I dunno, I may not feel like paying for shipping. Especially to overseas locations. So, no promises I can’t keep.

Meme Entry 1: Wonder Woman and the Goddess Aphrodite from Wonder Woman , v2, #225 (March 2006)
Caption to beat:
“Wonder Woman…Should have gone totally Black Canary on her ass”

Meme Entry 2: Bloodstone and actor Brad Carter from Marvel Presents: Bloodstone, v1, #2 (Dec 1975)
Caption to beat:
“Bloodstone…Should be sure of his sexuality after 10,000 years”

I have only one copy of WotPA, so there can be only one winner. After/If I get some responses go ahead and vote for your favorite.

Oh, if you want to remain anonymous in the responses that’s fine. Just put some kind of unique identifier in your comment.

Not Isaac

Tonight, the E! Channel Live From the Red Carpet pre-show for Screen Actors Guild Awards has Ryan Seacrest down on the floor meeting the stars. Appears the E! Channel got some brains, as Isaac (It’s-okay-to-grope-because-he-is-gay) Mizrahi is nowhere to be found at the pre-show. Odd, considering that everyone in the media had just a few weeks before considered him the wonderful savior who by groping Scarlett Johansen and several other stars rescued the Golden Globes from crushing dullness. If that was true, you would think he’d be in demand by E!, since he has also been attached to do the greetings at the Oscars. Were I a Multimedia Suit, I’d pay Mizrahi what he wanted because his wonderful presence would help ratings and the stars would appreciate the exposure to his charming self. If it were true. I have a feeling he will be unable to do the Oscars due to illness/prior commitment or at least will be under tight control by producers anxious not to upset the guests.

Most telling I think was that tonight when Eva Longoria met Ryan Seacrest on the carpet she stated “I’m glad it’s you and not Isaac.”

I never really expected the popular media nor E! to speak out against Mizrahi, so I guess the best punishment we should expect him to receive is to have the shiny people and entertainment outlets ignore him for a while.

Gail Simone hates freedom

In the DC comic book Birds of Prey #57, Gail Simone takes the opportunity to use the character of the Huntress to propagandize the Youth of America against “illegal” and “unconstitutional” wire-tapping. In this particular issue the Huntress takes offense that someone would access her cell phone without permission, like there was something wrong with doing that.

from Birds of Prey #57, v1, (Sept 2003)

This subtle critique of our fine and patriotic fight against terrorists is inappropriate in a comic book. As a parent, I am shocked that innocent children that pick up a copy of this magazine expecting to see only large breasts and high kicks are being seduced by Gail Simones’ subtle liberal and terrorist-enabling views. Children must understand that in the war against our enemies that the ends must justify the means. Especially against those personal enemies like reporters or citizens with contrary opinions. BoP #57 has sown confusion and oogy feelings among America’s innocents and that is something that should not be caused by a comic book. A comic book must by its’ nature be inoffensive and neutral. It should follow a sort of code of conduct or something as written by some body of authority, possibly by our government. That way insidious propaganda will not creep in and poison the spirits of young Americans.

What’s the matter, MISS Simone? Why would you hint as far back as 2003 that the Oracle (who, like our Government, only hacks and eavesdrops on the evil for the good of America) is doing something wrong? The Huntress routinely beats up bad people without regard to “rights” and I don’t see one squawk out of you about “civil liberties”. You can’t pick and choose what parts of the Constitution you agree with and disregard the rest, you know.

Your protestation proves you must be guilty of something. Who have you been chatting with? I demand you tell us how innocent those lengthy calls to that Mr. Albert Kaydah really are. Don’t be surprised if you and everyone else in your left-wing, Greenpeace-hugging, medical-marijuana-puffing hippie cabal ends up on a No-Fly List.

Except for Ed Benes. He draws women pretty.

Groin Injury Saturday: Someday the bear gets you

In the Luna Brothers kind of icky follow-up title to the well done Ultra book of last year, the new issue of Girls gives readers what must be a comic book groin injury first. First, that is, outside of furry publications (which do not count as real comics).

Girls is the story of a group of trailer trash and rednecks who find themselves at the beachhead of an invading alien ecology. The best part of this series is that the townsfolk act much like I imagine people actually would behave in a similar situation. They run, cower, squabble and do selfish things. In panic, they also act real stupid.

In issue #9 of Girls a group of locals seeking a way out of the force field that has confined them to a small area around the town gets surprised by a curious bear.

The following scenes are hilarious*, as everyone attempts to apply all the bear attack survival techniques they learned from television and folk-wisdom. Of course, everything they know is wrong and the bear acts like a typical hungry predator.

As proof that cousins should not marry one of the group attacks the bear when everyone else played dead or ran away.

Now…bears are big animals that weigh alot. They have teeth and claws and can take a heck of a lot of punishment. It is something of a truism that shooting a bear will often serve only to enrage it. Bullets hurt and if they do not kill it, will make a bear very grouchy. So if small arms fire will not stop a big omnivore, what did this guy think he would accomplish by kicking it in the crotch?

Oh. “Suicide By Bear“. That explains it.

* Yes, some of the word balloons were censored by me. Buy the book yourself if you want the cursing.

Adventures of Superman #911

Oops! I mean…#648. This Infinite Crisis tie-in didn’t do much for me because it was basically filler*. It reminded me way too much of the black cover Spider-Man 9-11 issue and those interminable CoIE “Red Skies” issues of the Detroit Justice League when the writer had no direction or clue what to do with the team for 6 months. It was also odd to see Green Lantern sitting on his backside when every other hero in town was lifting collapsed brick walls off the citizens.

Really, it read like someone’s rejected script for Volume 3 of DC’s 9-11. I kept expecting to see a scene with Lex Luthor shedding a tear to show up on a page.
Good thing there isn’t a hell, or I’d be going there.

So I guess those Batman readers who couldn’t get enough of the No Man’s Land and War Games story arcs from a while back get another heaping helping with the upcoming Battle for Bludhaven opus I’ll be ignoring.

* Still better than House of M.

Things I missed….but shouldn’t have

My unquenchable hate for all things He-Man made me miss this awesome DOOMCOPTER!

Somehow, I completely overlooked this incredible Monkey Nazi cover from Weird War #89. I am ashamed.

I bought this for a friend’s kid, and then realized I should have looked at it earlier because I missed out on the opportunity for juvenile humor.