True Tales of Lunchtime Horror

My scary Halloween post…

The package art was good and made this meal look fairly appetizing so I picked up several when I went to the store. I was really looking forwards to eating this stuff.

After cooking it per instructions, this is my result.

Not quite the same.

I’m old enough to know better than to buy into any consumer sales pitch, but I was really liking the idea of eating this. The actual meal had as much disconnect from the presented package as the average comic book cover does to the story in which the cover promises “In This Issue! A HERO DIES!”

Jesus appears in storm

From NBC-2

While watching NBC2 coverage of Hurricane Wilma about two dozen residents called the station reporting an unusual sighting. While watching a Doppler loop of Hurricane Wilma coming ashore, a number two appeared in the eye of the storm.

Obviously, the number 2 is a sign from God and not an incomplete digital display of a natural effect taken out of context or an error that displayed the station’s call-sign at all.

Let me explain in a way that is much less convoluted and makes much more sense than ID: See, God is the Dad of Christ. Jesus is the Son of God, which makes him a Junior. In effect, the second of the family…you know, of the Father, Son & Holy Ghost group. Don’t make me draw you a map because it would be blasphemy since God already provided a nice Doppler one. It is obvious. Jesus is represented by a big number 2 floating in the water.

Repent now, sinners!

Worth repeating: Gene Colan and motion

I’ve said it before…

I think one of the few artists who can effectively convey a sense of motion in their art is Jack Kirby and my own personal comic-deity, Gene Colan. As Erik Larsen observes in a recent Comic Book Resources column One Fan’s Opinion:

One of the many things we don’t have in comics is motion. Motion, sound, smell, taste– most of the big ones– we don’t do. In movies, characters move. In comics, we can only approximate it, at best. Gene comes about as close as we’re likely to get. Gene’s characters are often a blur of motion. I’ve heard he’s a big movie buff and it shows on every page. While most of us struggle to make a guy in a suit look like anything other than a mannequin standing in a store window, Gene pulls it off with ease. His characters live and breathe.

When was the last time you saw a character get hit and the artist effectively included the illusion of impact? Probably almost never, I bet. Most artists, even the technically proficient ones, may as well be posing action figures and using them as art references. Using Phototshop to blur a scene is a trick, and while pretty and useful, is not art. Colan can give still images inertia and convey realistic cause and effect.


Rachel Van Helsing gets Drac-slapped in Tomb of Dracula #68 (Feb 1979)

Wonder Woman never has her breasts fly in opposite directions when she gets punched.

Ron Frenz: Shark Bait

Spider-Man et al artist Ron Frenz is a regular contributor to the Outdoor Life magazine feature This Happened To Me, where he illustrates in perfect over-the-top comic book adventure-style the dramatically unlikely tales of adventure submitted by readers.

You can see my previous post of an impossible boat ride drawn by Ron Frenz here in The Perfect Storm.

More BS, but not by Ron Frenz…
Killed a bar with an axe

That’ll teach him!

Rattlesnacks taste like chicken
I must have this recipe!

Rednecks are stupid

How that snake got a clothesline, I’ll never know

In looking through the feature archives I notice that the stories have changed from brave tales of Man vs Beast to a more realistic theme of Misadventure. There are a lot more of the Falling From the Boat stories than there used to be. I guess even hicks know crap when they see it.

Still doesn’t explain NASCAR though.

Jesus in SPAAAAAACE


Jesus, Burger King of Space


Kung-Fu Space Jesus…will he save the Earth or destroy it?


Goes without saying…


After seeing this I now want a basketball that looks like Earth so I can play at being God, too! It will feed my delusions.


Phantom Zone exile Jesus


High altitudes give Jesus nosebleeds


Scary soul-drinker jesus

Robot Jesus

Dell’s Money-Saving Monster Comic Book Cover

You could always tell when a Dell title was about to be cancelled when they published repeats of earlier covers. Dell saved money on cover artists by using an old issue when sales dropped below a certain point but the magazine was sent to press anyways. I’m not a businessman, but if your product is doing so badly that issue #4 is a reprint of issue #1, I think it is time to save the cash and call it quits. Dell was doing this in the biz a while ago so it may be that monies were already spent along the production channels that would not be refunded otherwise, so they went ahead with old material on the chance they would not lose their entire investment.

But in this one-shot they didn’t even try to come up with an original cover. It is like Dell looked in the filing cabinet for the most generic pre-existing art they could find and glued a few head shots cut from other books onto it. Admittedly the background art is keeping with a dark theme by being set in a creepy field during sunset, but the lone figure isn’t even the Frankenstein Monster, unless the creature has taken to wearing bowler hats.

The poor layout of the title also makes it appear the classic vampire was mummified somehow, which would not be a bad story itself. Of course, I’d only want to read that if Marv Wolfman wrote it and Gene Colan drew it.

Some Gene Colan art:
Shazam vs Dracula

Howard and Bev

Dracula meets Sherlock Holmes