The venison of vegetables

Baby carrots are the venison of the vegetable world. This is because they are not grown into such a convenient shape and size like baby corn is. Rather, a regular carrot is chopped, shaved and whittled down to a fun sized snack. A similar process is used in making veal, which is the tasty result of a calf being ripped from the beating womb of a cow. Such waste.

Annually millions of pounds of carrot shavings are then discarded into the streets creating traffic jams or toasted and made into non-caffeinated coffee substitute. Furthermore, a bag of baby carrots can cost the consumer $7.99 or more while a few bunches of carrots that the buyer would have to wash and cut themselves costs less than $5.

It is in Maryland that sales of baby carrots are the most brisk. This immoral act of environmental crime is ameliorated by the fact that for the most part anything sharp enough to cut carrots in the state of Maryland is typically used for preparing meth or stabbing neighbors, or both, usually in the same evening. Baby carrots are most appealing to children and it would be wrong to use blood-stained, meth-permeated knives to cut up carrots and then feed them to kids.

So already prepared carrot pieces manufactured in a smarter region and imported are preferable to warping another generation of Maryland spawn by getting them hooked too early on drugs and the taste of blood. It is better to delay the inevitable until they can be securely housed in a Super-Max prison jail instead of the rotating doors of Juvenile Hall. Somebody has to think of the children.

The exception to the rule

Typically I do not care for the great amount of waste that accompanies food at the retail or restaurant level. That’s because I’m frugal (not meaning cheap, I want to use what I get). I have a greater problem with the amount of square tonnage of parsley wasted every year. Some eateries however prove to be the exception to the rule. For example this awesome BBQ Teriyaki chicken.


The food as it is presented at many dining establishments, particularly those of an Asian flavor, often have the meat resting on top of a layer of shredded cabbage or lettuce. There is a purpose to this not related to taking up plate area so it appears as if the customer is getting a huge pile of food. The shredded veggies serves to lift the meat up off the plate or serving dish, allowing the oil and grease from the cooking process to drain and remain below the portion.

Without the meat being suspended it would float in a pool of rapidly congealing fat. Some people consume the oil-soaked greenery and while incredibly delicious, it is not good for you in the long run. So using shredded vegetables is frugal and sensible even though it usually ends up in the trash. An alternative which would add to overhead costs would be to use a layered plastic mesh or grate of some sort to suspend the meat. This would require cleaning and the mesh or grate would not only resist attempts to be fully sanitized but would degrade over time and bits would be consumed by the patron during the course of the meal.

Guess who didn’t get a tip?


That’s right. I held back my green because the restaurant didn’t hold theirs. I asked the server not to include any garnish or parsley with our meals. They included it anyways. Look at that horrible waste. It isn’t like the parsley was taking up space on the plate that could have been occupied by real food as it was completely buried under my french fries and my wife’s salad. Yes, the house salad included a garnish that was found under the lettuce.

Somewhere, a family of gun-toting Marylanders who always have plenty of money for bullets and beer but not soap or meals are staring at their empty food stamps envelope wishing they had something to nibble on. This parsley, added to other sprigs collected from all over the nation could have made a horrible if nutritious yet possibly health-threatening soup. Somewhere, a pasta sauce is denied little bits of green floating in it that might be basil or not. Or gnats, depending on if the kitchen window was open during food preparation.

Save the planet and Hold the Green!