Pets vs. Garbage Can

I have some left over sushi from work. It is tasty but I do not want it today and it will be unfit to eat by tomorrow.

Shall I share the tasty sushi with the house pets? Shall the tasty sushi be thrown away?

Let’s evaluate the furry vermin infesting the house and then see if we give them tasty sushi based on their behavior, shall we?

Stupid Cat #1:
Poops everywhere. Ignores litter box. Keeps disturbing my sleep by rubbing against face and purring. Attacks other animals. Runs around like it is on crack all night and day. Drags things down off of counters. Gets into things like briefcases and messes them up.

NO SUSHI FOR YOU!

Stupid Cat #2:
Poops on my clothing and bed. Urinates on my clothing and bed. Meows loudly for no reason at about 3 am every morning and doesn’t stop until sprayed with water from squirt bottle and yelled at and chased outside. Sheds like some sort of industrial shedding machine. SLEEPS on the TABLE where I EAT.

NO SUSHI FOR YOU!

Stupid Dog #1:
Is stupid and needy. Makes noises while eating. Has a habit of making chewing motions even when not actually eating anything. Also loud. That’s weird.

NO SUSHI FOR YOU!

Stupid Dog #2:
Begs for treats. Whines constantly. Catches lizards in backyard and mauls them to bloody shreds. Doesn’t eat them, instead drags them into house and smears the mess all over the place. Urinates while running from one side of the house to the other when yelled at about the damn lizard mess. Steals toys from the other animals. Doesn’t play with them, just doesn’t want them to have them. Steals food. Urinates in hallways during the night and you don’t discover it until you walk through it the morning when not yet fully awake. Attacks the other animals when they are sleeping. Nails go click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click click on the wooden floors all night long because due to old injuries the nails can’t be trimmed short enough to be quieter.

NO SUSHI FOR YOU!

Stupid Dog #3:
Scratches butt on everything in reach. Smells like an old dog. Passes gas every few minutes. You know it is coming because he yelps and trembles but no human can move out of the room fast enough to avoid getting enveloped buy the noxious cloud. Barks insanely for no reason and sets the other dogs off in a cacophony of barking, howling, yipping and fighting that continues for minutes at a time. Falls down a lot. Stands in middle of room and stares at nothing which totally creeps me out and makes me check that the windows and doors are locked.

NO SUSHI FOR YOU!

Stupid Dog #4:
Will FREAKING NOT STOP bringing you the ball to play fetch with. If you put the ball away cries and whines until you give it back. Sleeps on my pillow. Jumps up and grabs food out of your hand if you are not paying attention. Rolls around in poop and then wanders about the house rolling around on the couch, bed, chair and floor.

NO SUSHI FOR YOU!

Well. After carefully tabulating the scores I found the results to be as follows:

GARBAGE CAN WINS!

I held a winner’s ceremony with the pests and the garbage can in attendance to announce the results of the contest. All the pets sat together in the kitchen and they got to watch me throw out the tasty sushi into the trash. I hope they learned their lessons.

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I’ll see your straight line and raise you a sting

Due to car problems I’ve been on the bus to and from work the last few days. I had forgotten how awful it is to take the bus in a large city because of all the psychos and homeless that ride public transportation. By the time the ride is over I’m exhausted from all the false alarms being set off in my head from my flight-or-fight responses. I’m not over-reacting. When the two guys in the seat next to you are ranting in a verbal salad and keep twitching and jumping in their seats it keeps you in a kind of an accelerated hyper-aware mode.

Yesterday I had been waiting for the bus to show at the scheduled time and it didn’t. It happens, but I was a little concerned about it because of how long it takes to get to work using the bus and being in management, I don’t like to be late. It’s bad enough I have to leave work early because if I miss the last bus for the evening at the connection it is a 6 mile walk up and down our California hills. FYI: Hills in California are what people in other states call mountains. Normally I can drive to work by car in about 10 minutes via the freeway into La Jolla. By bus it takes just over 2 1/2 hours.

That totally sucks.

One bright spot though in my public transportation adventures over the last few days is a conversation I had with a lady at the stop near my home. She was reading a heavily marked, highlighted and annotated book. I guess I should have looked closer at what she was reading before I spoke to her.

“Hi. Uh…The last bus didn’t show up. Do you know when the next one arrives?”
“God bless you.”
“Yeah, okay…Uh…”
“You need to be prepared because Jesus is coming.”
“Well, I hope it’s soon because I need a ride to work.”

The Bible-Reading Lady was kind of hostile towards me during the entire wait for the bus and the ensuing trip afterwards. I kept watching her carefully just in case she went all Carrie’s Mom on me.


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Every day is Hayley Mills Day!

I have to confess that a few weeks ago I failed to share the news of Hayley Mill’s birthday with you all, which is actually celebrated on the auspicious date of April 18th.

But for me, since every day is Hayley Mills Day and a chance to celebrate the awesome actress, it is better that I share the news later than not at all.

It wasn’t on purpose, I was feeling very sick with the flu and and it lasted nearly 4 weeks. A bad flu turned into a nasty respiratory illness that kept moving between my head and lungs. It took weeks to get rid of it and the ear aches lasted another two weeks after that. Hayleyitis I can live with but this thing I had was wreaking havoc with my health. Be assured though, that while I did not share the big birthday news with you all, I did celebrate privately in one of the many personal Hayley shrines I have in my home.

Me, posing at one of my Hayley Mills shrines. This one is in the living room.
Not counting the night table displays in my bedroom there are ten in all.

While I was recuperating I spent a lot of time relaxing in my award-winning Garden of Hayley Awesomeness! The garden is quiet, peaceful and is perfect for contemplation. I spare no expense and the lovingly tended garden is stocked year round with the most out-of-season flowers that can be found from all over the world. It is a fact that thirty men died in bringing to my garden the rare South American Rojo Gapanthus that can be seen in the picture. It was totally worth it.

Even though the day was overcast the Garden of Hayley Awesomeness is always basked in the bright, warm light emanating from her statue, even at night. In the garden I can get my Vitamin D even on the cloudiest of days. I usually don’t linger in the garden because whenever I contemplate Hayley for too long I get a funny feeling in the side of my neck, vomit and burst into tears before eventually passing out. It is something that commonly occurs among Hayley Mills fans but it is generally frowned upon as disrespectful when it happens in public, somewhat like speaking in tongues is when at the church.

After a few days in the garden soaking up the Hayleyness I felt well enough to visit my exterior Hayley Mills shrine. In making it up to you all for my illness-related faux pax in not celebrating Hayley’s birthday publicly I am allowing outsiders to see, via the magic of the internet, the Hayley Mills Celebratory Museum! Lovingly built by my own hands over several years in my back yard taking advantage of San Diego’s unique geography and world-famous extensive cave system, the HMCM is my respectful tribute to the legend that is Hayley Mills.

For obvious reasons I keep the entrance locked just like you would lock up a tool shed that protects your shovels, lawn mower and pornography. The marble cost me a pretty penny (not as pretty as Hayley, mind you) but again it was totally worth it. Once inside, a winding series of stairs takes you down through Hayley Hall and into the spacious main area of the Hayleydome.
The Hayleydome is my pride and joy and I am constantly updating and improving the many Hayley displays. It is large and has superior acoustics that compliment the nightly viewings of such Hayley Mills film fare as The Flame Trees of Thika and The Chalk Garden. Suitable for proms, wedding receptions and business meetings the Hayleydome is perfect for anyone’s Hayley-centric needs. Since it is built deep into the side of a hill it stays cool in summer and cool in winter (it is located in San Diego, after all). I once considered renting the Hayleydome out on the condition that all gatherings be Hayley-themed, but I decided I didn’t want my special place touched by strangers.

Note, on the left at the rear of the Hayleydome you can see the entrance to the recently completed Miss Bliss Annex! Now 100% Screech-free!

I could stay down here for hours but eventually I have to earn a living. So after a week I eventually go back to the house and the many smaller (though no less impressive) Hayley displays, secure in the knowledge that while I am leaving my Hayley Mills Museum behind for the time being, she has never really left my heart.

Thanks, Giada! Your Platinum Edition DVD of Summer Magic is on the way!

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When Fanboys Strike Back!

Much is said in comic forums and blog sites about the misogynistic manner in which women are marginalized, brutalized and generally treated like crap in comic books. I can’t really argue with that as history shows it to be mostly factual. It occurs more today than in the comics of decades past and is made all the worse by the fact that the creative teams should know better by now.

But does no one think of the men?

For years in between the beating up of Loki and Starro the male characters of comic books have been subjected to countless soap-opera machinations by women. Nearly without exception the women in comics heaped scathing contempt upon the males of the cast.

For example, Pepper Potts was merciless in her dislike for Tony Stark’s chauffeur, Harry “Happy” Hogan, a broken down but honest boxer. Pepper publicly humiliated Happy in the Executive Offices of Stark Industrial when they first met. If Pepper acted today as she did then she’d have been on the unemployment line and Hogan would be getting handed a big check for personal damages.

Tales of Suspense #45 (September 1963).

Pepper was infatuated with Tony Stark but he had little interest. While smart, efficient and hard-working Pepper was clearly not his type, being kind of a spinster-scarecrow who favored school-marm fashions. She was, basically, a real woman and not the jet-set starlet eye-candy that Tony Stark preferred.

This horrible, emasculating treatment of Happy went on for several years. Pepper and Happy gradually evolved into being less plain in appearance and got married, then divorced, then got back together again. I suspect Pepper only became involved with Happy as a way of proving to Tony Stark that he missed a good thing because he started chasing her after that. Pepper certainly didn’t do anything to discourage him all during the time she and Happy were in their highly dysfunctional marriage.

The women of comics have a long, long history of treating men poorly. Most famously, Lois Lane was vicious in her personal attacks against Clark Kent. Mary Jane Watson constantly belittled Peter Parker and often interfered with his other relationships out of fun, then tossed him aside for a party she wanted to attend that night. The girl in the Charles Atlas ads could barely keep from throwing up on her boyfriend when he got sand kicked in his face by the Nuisance of Muscle Beach.

Lois and Clark from Superman #1 ( Summer 1939).
Pre-manly Mac from undated issue of Modern Mechanix and Invention.

The thing is, all these men knew what these harpies were like and still pursued them. In most cases, unbelievably, getting married to them.

Amazing Spider-Man #123 (August 1975).
This conversation takes place a short time after Gwen Stacy was murdered.

What should be remembered is that the spandex and heroic fights are incidental. As much as fans would like to ignore the fact, all comic books are really just soap-opera romances and they are all about about the boy/girl (or sometimes other combinations) relationships. Lois married Clark, Mary Jane and Peter married and Pepper’s rocky relationship with Happy is still on-going. It is almost unimaginable that any of the men in comics would wed the women in their cast after their experiences. I would love to see a story where the male character recalled years of relationship continuity and rebuffed the woman who for their entire relationship tore him down at every opportunity.

“Clark, I have to confess. I love you and want to be with you for the rest of my life.”
“What’s that, Lois? You want to be with…me? The milk-sop, the spineless toad, the wet-blanket, the coward, the foolish, pathetic laughable loser? GO TO HELL. Now excuse me while I crush this mountain of coal into a giant diamond for Chloe.”

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